Hypothetically Speaking lyrics

Now, let me tell you 'bout my best friend Well, her name is Leanne And she's married to a dumb, dumb man named Carl Or, she was, that is Hello? Well, carl started with his same old shit all over again Drunk as a skunk, yelling And he started coming at me while I was frying his eggs in the kitchen Oh, lord And the only thing I had to save me was that cast iron skillet And that white tile ain't so white anymore And he is face down on the kitchen floor What? He ain't moving And I think he might be dead Uh-oh And you're the first person I thought to call Hypothetically speaking If you're burying a body Don't you do it in your basement 'Cause that's the first place they'll check (if they suspect you've done it) So before you start running Just dial my number If you've got a little problem Hypothetically speaking Well, now, I did find a letter with a lipstick kiss on it from his secretary Talking about how they're in love and how they're gonna run off together Well, that's what you're gonna say 'cause it's definitely what happened So get your story straight Hypothetically speaking You'll cut him into little pieces I'm talking real little pieces And then you feed 'em to the gators (those are nationally protected) And they can't check the gators For your dead husband Right now he's just missing And that's how it's gonna stay Now, honey, I know he was an asshole But that's not what you're gonna tell them You're gonna say that he was an angel And how you miss him so Hypothetically speaking If you're hiding a body (which she definitely isn't) Put him in a big barrel And fill it full of acid (and it'll eat him all up) And then there won't be nothing For nobody to look for Just some water in a barrel From when the rain came through Hypothetically speaking Hypothetically speaking Hypothetically speaking Hypothetically speaking Now, accidents, they sure do happen Even though he had it coming Well, you know I'm always here for you, baby Hypothetically speaking Poor Carl